The heat and discomfort of my condition left me fleeing the yoga room in an angry frenzy. With my mind spinning, I fell into a white leather couch in the marble lobby of the Yoga college. I could have chosen to venture outside and soak in the warm California sun, but the soft body of the couch held my body just right and the warm breeze flowing past the glass doors soothed my mind. I sat, breathing deeply, trying to dissipate the subsequent dizziness of deciding what the information, pain, ridiculous amount of yoga really meant to me. I planned on spending the few hours relaxing in that very spot, soaking in my silence and stillness...
But then, I caught a scent, a perfume so sweet I had to know what it was so that I could have it for myself. Surely, it was not one of my fellow trainees; hygiene had become as basic as possible in order to conserve energy, and cut down time spent in the washroom shared by some 180 exasperated yoginis. No, it was not one of the women I sweat alongside with day in and day out, it was the colourful woman who sat next to me.
She turned to Rachel and I and asked with wide eyes " How is training going?" we answered with slight enthusiasm, our answers not nearly as in depth as she obviously desired. Unsatisfied with our run of the mill, "Oh its going really well, hard, but really good," she continued to ask question after question. At some point I found the annoyance of having my peace robbed by an inquiring stranger dissipate. In its place grew a fascination with the things she was telling me. We began with sharing basic facts about ourselves, our backgrounds and our practices.
Her name was Suzanne, a jewelry designer and practitioner of 5 years, she had recently made LA her home after moving from New York. Soon our conversation began to journey down many different paths, exploring a variety of topics. Two of those paths we traveled, left their sights so deeply ingrained in my mind that I feel an absolute necessity to share them.
" Fear," I said, "I've always had a negative relationship with the emotion, if you can call it that. But I am beginning to feel that even fear has its purpose. Fear somewhat serves to give us some sort of guidance, to keep us in check."
"I understand your point," she said, "and I could even argue it. But I've come to understand something different about fear. I truly feel that there it has no productivity. That decisions should rather be made based on knowledge and not fear. '
' For example, imagine I was in Hawaii, standing alone on a beach late at night. And, imagine that there is nothing that I would rather do than take a swim. Taking into consideration that there is a rocky shore, and as the tide comes in the swells are huge with the dark making things hard to see, swimming is really, not such a good idea. But, if I were to make that decision based on fear, I do nothing but demean myself. I debilitated by being in a position where I feel I cannot do something.
'If, however, I can look out at the waves understand their purpose and my purpose; and realize, that at that time of night, on the rocky shores as the tide comes in our purposes have nothing to do with each other. I can then make my decision not to swim based on knowledge, empowering myself rather than choosing to cower in fear. This way I know that I am capable of swimming, but it results in consequences I would not gladly endure. In this situation fear and knowledge lead to the same conclusions, but choosing to be fearful only made me weak, where knowledge gave me power."
Our conversation continued to grow, and take many twists and turns until our discussion arrived at the intersection of..
"Insecurity?" Though it was one word, I said it knowing she would understand I sought to know what she had to say.
"No need for it." Suzanne began, "There is a realization we all must make in our time here. There has never been a person like you that has walked this earth, and there will never be another like you again. This in itself, the very fact you exist, is a gift! You are an individual and a miracle, and being given the privilege of existence it is you DUTY to live to your best potential. There is no use looking around seeing what so-and-so is doing in hopes that you can be him or her, because you can never be that person. You can only be you, and to be the best you is the most beautiful and powerful achievement. '
'Not only is it important to realize this about ourselves, but its important to realize this about others as well. Its too easy to look at others and put ourselves on a pedestal. I am a jewelry designer, but that makes me no better than the guy who drives the garbage truck down the road. I don't look at him feeling sorry and say 'Gee, I'm glad that's not my job,' I NEED him! He NEEDS me! All of us are dependent on each other, and no one is better than the other, we all have our own role to play.
'When put in the context of insecurity, attempting to play someone else's role in life, by putting ourselves down, by seeking to be like someone else, doesn't contribute to the greater picture: the interplay between us all. It simply robs us of another brilliant person strong in their individuality. Be yourself, be proud; don't try to fit into a mold you do not fit into, because the only mold that fits is, in fact, your own."
The words that Suzanne left me within the hour and half we spent talking on the couch, have continued to touch me and change the way I view and conduct myself in my day to day situations. I strive to always remember that we all have our path, beauty and purpose, and in understanding and appreciating this in others and our environment, we can all live a life rich with knowledge and power, free of fear and inhibition.
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