Recently, as I spoke to girlfriend after girlfriend at different stages of their relationships, I began to see a disturbing pattern emerge. A pattern that painted a conclusion that emotions should be ignored, thoughts and feelings swept under the rug, simply because of an inherent "femaleness" to their logic. Which, many of my beloved girls often conclude can not be labeled as logic at all if it is based on such silly things as emotions.
"I mean, I know I am being so stupid, and so 'girly' about everything," said a friend, who had grown impatient after not hearing from her new boyfriend for over three days.
"I just don't want to be such a girl about the situation," said another friend who was left feeling low after her boyfriend crossed some lines that left her feeling confused about their relationship and his feelings toward her.
"Such a girl,"
We've all said it, certainly its come out of my mouth on more than one occasion.
The thought patterns of men and women are certainly different. Anthropologist Helen Fisher explained some of this in her lecture for TEDtalks. "I don't know why it is that people want to think that men and women are alike," she began. She says that despite our similarities, men and women have evolved to have significant differences in brain function. She outlined how women have a greater capacity for being verbal, finding the right word in a shorter amount of time, as well as educating, nurturing and educating with words. "Women can talk," she summarized. According to Dr. Fisher, women are better negotiators, are more imaginative, and more effective at long term planning. "[Women] tend to collect more pieces of data when they think, and put them into more complex patterns, see more options and possible outcomes, and tend to be more web thinkers," she said.
Which makes sense, in a woman's mind the man who hasn't called in three days has been shot, reconciled with his last girlfriend, found a new girlfriend, he has been seduced by an exotic woman and flown away to Chile, he got hit by a car and is lying mangled in the hospital and no one can tell who he is, he developed a drug addiction, his dog died, his phone spontaneously exploded, he has fallen out of love, out of like, off of the face of the earth or worse, is just no longer interested. The man who is acting differently plotting a murder, a bank robbery, a sex change, planning an escape out of the city the country, possibly the planet or worse, out of the relationship.
And while all of these possibilities may be extreme, (maybe he did just lose his phone or have an off day) what isn't extreme is the real feelings that imagined possibilities stem from. Yet as women we get so caught up in apologizing for the "girly-ness" of our feelings, thoughts and conclusions that we forget to honor the very seed of the situation: that feeling of neglect, insecurity or indifference. We sweep under the rug the little hairline fractures of feeling that become the rifts that tear us apart.
While I am not advocating that all women get up an start crucifying men over the perceived tone of a text or a late arrival, what I am saying is that we should learn to sift through the implausible and even ridiculous conclusions of the web thinking. We should learn to dig out the real issues behind our irrationalities so that we can move forward in our relationships. Maybe when we dig out these small nuggets of emotion we will realize that the problem lies with us rather than our partners, or we will see the real problems in our relationships. At the very least it will teach us to find greater understanding of our thoughts, emotions, and selves so that we can be better friends, lovers and partners.
Certainly, men and women are different. Perhaps our differences stem from the neurological differences like Dr.Fisher outlines in her lectures, or from the way our society socializes us. But the bottom line remains the same: if we continue to place the thoughts, feelings and conclusions of one pattern of thinking over another, or one gender over another, we will continue to perpetuate the cycle of inequality in our collective and individual lives. If there is balance to be found in the relationships that build our lives it is to be found in learning to understand and accept ourselves and each other regardless how "girl-like" or "guy-like" our thoughts and feelings may be.
Unfortunately, we do not live in an pluralistic society that gives equal power to men and women, we live in a patriarchal capitalistic society that places high value on the cut-to-the-chase streamlined thinking of the male mind. And while things remain as such, perhaps teaching that we are all same in a society that doesn't practice equality is futile. Instead we should start teaching, recognizing and understanding the very things that make us different. Because ultimately, recognizing our differences is the only way to find the common ground on which we can establish true equality.
2 comments:
Ahhhh beautifully written, you have a talent. And a very interesting topic to tackle, one that I think most people (most especially us females) struggle with on a regular basis. I agree that we need to look beyond the irrationalities, and address what really lies in our hearts. "Girly" has come to be associated with irrationality, moodiness, and sometimes a predisposition to being hurt. Instead of only addressing the fact that we are more sensitive human beings, perhaps we need to look at what underlies our predisposition to feeling these things (when men seem not to!). Is it a lack of self-confidence? A belief that we are undeserving? We shouldn't sweep these feelings under the rug - what we should do is cultivate a peace of mind where we can rise above the smaller insecurities. Worry, anxiety, and that vortex of pain in relationships are all things that we believe to be unavoidable, when in reality they are destructive emotional states that we can rise above with a strong mind and true heart.
We should not streamline ourselves into a man's world - but we should know that what makes us beautiful is our compassion, our kindness, and that when we feel secure in ourselves the small things cannot bring us down or cause us such anxiety.
Love your words Barb, I will definitely pass this on to some friends.
i think you're talking about a different generation. "guys" in our generation are children. and some of us, though lacking the fundamental respect and civility western culture prided itself on (real or not), are more cognizant than ever of a gender binary - and are uninvolved (see: connor's painted toenails). I think this culture is irrecoverably superficial. we're just playing a character in the end. right?
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