Knots of Thoughts

My thoughts as of late have been dwelling on the issue of resentment. One of my particularity colorful employers posted a quote on our staff computer about the shackles that resentment imposes upon us. It read as follows:

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

As I have moved through life and accumulated experience through my relationships, most of which have fallen apart in the most un-pleasant of ways (then again is there a pleasant way to fall apart?) I have also accumulated resentment to the heartaches of the past.

But as I received an email in the last week from one of the very exes it seemed to take forever to recover from, I started to think about the ways we chose to view our departed relationships. "This is completely innocent," he wrote, "but I wanted you to know that I still think about you."

I realized then that I had two options, to either get frustrated that I could still feel a pang of emotion toward the comment, or to graciously accept the compliment and smile for all the good that had existed between the two of us. I did the former.

Further, as I passed the apartment and epicenter of my most recent love-life fracture, I felt that nostalgic lurch in my stomach, and thought,' I can change this. '

If reality is nothing but a perception, then certainly we can chose the way that we perceive the very real things that tug at our hartstrings. For the longest time, I thought that being 'over' something or someone just meant no longer caring anymore. That in order to be healed and to move on I had to feel a complete dismemberment from events and players of my past. But as I move forward, I realize that thats just not me. I will forever care.

Whether its about the boy who still declined to date me after I made (oh god, I can't belive I am admitting this on the internet) a secret admirer puzzle for him in 10th grade, or the last person who I dreamed of puppies with, I will never be rid of it. I have discovered that I am a woman who will forever hold her past loves close to her heart, and who will on occasion feel a tentacle reach from the past, suction to her heart and pull upon its strings.

And so I am left with a choice of perception.

Do I go forward forever carrying the chip on my shoulder of the relationship that ended because of a lack of commitment, or infedelity or the communication crisis that robbed me of both my lover and my friend... or do I look back and remember the good.

I realize it is my choice whether to continually open my wounds by resenting the hurts of my past, or to remember the fond times, treasure the lessons I so painstakingly came by and forgive the heartache. So, from now I will remember instead the late night dinners: muscles, soups, and Venetian pastas. I will remember the wealth of knowledge, learning about brush-stokes, composition and art history, about design, fashion history, energy orbs and the backstage secrets of Madonna concerts.

Relationships are about the coming together of two people, and so two steer the course of the vessel. But when the two once again divide we are once again the masters of our own course, only a little different, more experienced, hopefully wiser and better for it all. Each of my former partners has changed me into a different friend, partner and woman. Ultimately as I stand on my own two feet I get to chose how the rough seas of the past continue to dictate my course of exploration in the future.

And so I have chosen to sail boldly, to remember hard lessons learned but to still dream of thrill of unchartered waters without the shackles of resentment but instead with the wisdom of experience.

I chose for those lurches of emotion to not make me upset with what I devastation tore at my heart, but for them to let me remember that I did, that I do care.

So, I am responding to emails with notes of thanks for kind sentiments. I am passing apartments and choosing to smile, to giggle even at the memory of happy moments. I am choosing the good over the bad.

I am choosing to view my past in a way that is conducive with what I want to see in my future: hope, love, faith, compassion, kindness and honesty.