Step two...

An exact twenty pages into my spiritual journey, I got stuck. It went a little something like this:

Book: "We seek help for what we cannot face or accomplish alone; in seeking help we accept our powerlessness. And in that acceptance and the acknowledgment that we are not in control, spirituality is born."

Barb: "Hold up, wait a minute, don't go there cuz' I ain't with it!!"

There it was, smack in my face almost as if in bold print, the slanderous message : You are powerless, you are not in control.

This has always been my problem with religion, and has also been a huge hurdle in my own discovery and understanding of my own spirituality. I simply cannot agree that humans are powerless to some all knowing God who plays upon his/her/it's puppet strings.

In fact the only way I began to make peace with the idea of being spiritual in the first place , was the belief that human beings are made in God's image. If that is the case then there must be some peice of Godly-ness within us. In some way we must all be Gods, each a different facet of divinity.

Yet the spiritual truth on page twenty, was seemed to be telling me differently. Confused, I wrote to my therapist, and as usual in a few sentances he put the thing into perspective.

He says our powerlessness refers to our ego admitting that it is powerless to our spiritual self. That our inherant spirituality, our inherant divinity is the true power within us and that our ego does not in fact have any control.

My friend Alex further contributed, "If there is divinity in each one of us, then we truly are not in control because we each have the same power within."

Slowly I began to come around.

I guess my acceptance of my lack of control, is a direct result of realizing that each time I have tried to control my life nothing but the worst has come out of it. I tried to MAKE relationships work when they were fraying at the seams, I tried the MAKE friendships work that were taking advantage of me, I tried to MAKE people love me, I tried to MAKE myself love activities that weren't a part of my destiny.

And each-time I have tried to control my life or its outcomes, be it in a relationship or in the pursuit of a specific end I thought I desired, I have come out the other-side beaten and battered, bruised and bemused, questioning 'Where did I go wrong?'

So, while I refuse to relinquish my own sense of accountability I feel that I am ready to open my mind to having a little bit of faith. Maybe, that guy didn't call after the first date because the relationship would lead to another shattering heartache, maybe my passion isn't coming for a certain activity because I should be following something I love more, maybe an opportunity falls through the cracks because the lesson learned will lead to paths with greater vistas. 

I am not yet comfortable with the idea of 'God', but in my present exhaustion, I am willing to trust a sense of karma or justice, if you will, to the workings and ways of the world. Furthermore, I am willing to sacrifice the bravado of my ego to some spiritual light that lies within. I don't think I understand that light, its nature or its profound-ness, but I am willing to bend my mind to the idea that there is a place of faith within me that is willing to surrender my sense of control to the idea, to the faith that everything will be alright, that it will all work out in the end, and when it doesn't it just isn't the end. 

Let the journey begin...

One of my New Years Resolutions was to deepen my understanding of my own spirituality.

When I was young being spiritual meant that I got to get dressed up in pretty dresses on Sundays, stare at beautiful paintings on a ceiling and sing with a bunch of people in a gorgeous Cathedral in the German countryside. On holidays there were rituals, walking through the countryside while holding candles, and more singing. 

But when I came to Canada, no one dressed up like they did in Europe, wood panelling replaced the paintings of the cathedral and there were no interesting rituals that allowed me to handle fire at age six. Bored, I defected from the church.

For years, I didn't think of spirituality. Not until I fell head over heels for my biggest high-school crush. A profoundly Christian boy (and now man) he would send me forwards about the glory of God, and the more often I received them, (and the more he rejected me) I began to question what a lack of "godliness" was doing to me my future and the type of real-estate I would end up with in the afterlife (clouds and feathers or coal and whips.... I wonder if you could have both? Feathers and whips, sound much more fun....but I digress)

Anyways.

Fast forward a couple of years, age 17 and still spiritually confused,  I start taking yoga. For the first time I begin to feel like perhaps there really is something within me that has a capacity for a deeper sense of spiritual understanding. So I pursued it, and among studying yoga, going to teacher training and reading some great books I began to get a semblance of a spiritual understanding. The past six years have left me convinced that there is something larger than facts, something more complete linking all of us together, but I... just... can't..... put.... my finger on what/how/who that is... 

You see here lies the problem.

While I have experienced a feeling of levitation in large group meditations, have practiced and witnessed the power of manifestation, and  have read and watched enough material to understand that Western science is slowly beginning to prove the power of perception, of manifestation and even point towards one source energy, I still feel lost.

I feel lost because somehow I feel like I need for my spirituality to have some sort of definition. I would really appreciate if someone could provide me a mug-shot of exactly what this source energy is, pass me a manual and just tell me how the hell to wrap my head around it. 

And no, I don't want a door to door Christian or Jehovah's Witness. In fact my education in the history of religion really prevents me from moving forward and discovering the potential of my spirituality. Every time some kind of "creator", "God", "Almighty" is mentioned it is as if the alarm goes off in my brain and instantly alerting my ears to shut down stop listening and deny all understanding of what is being said.

And while I am admittedly adverse to religion, I crave spiritual understanding. I need to know. I need to know and feel that we are all somehow connected. I need to know that somewhere divinity exists, that there is such thing as some sort of universal justice, some sort of greater power that gives to us, that there is more to us than simply flesh and bone. But I need to have a framework for that understanding. And within that understanding I need answers to certain questions. 

How can I believe in a greater power, when I believe that ultimately we control our destinies? Furthermore can you be powerless and yet responsible?

How can I have faith that someone looks over us when there is so much injustice in world that continues to swell to epic proportions?

How can I understand what "God" is if there is if all definitions of him/her/it are so abstract?

How, when raised in a world of facts and evidence, can I trust simple feelings and ambiguous ideas to form belief?

To start my therapist has asked me read a book called the Spirituality of Imperfection... and I plan to keep you all posted on the issues that come up as I read. But for the moment, anyone have any thoughts? I would love to hear...